We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
