Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
