My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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