Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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