she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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