1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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