My sheets look like a crime scene.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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