I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
