a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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