wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
