I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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