i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
