Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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