You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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