He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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