a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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