she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Every concussion has its silver lining
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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