I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
