the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
