I heard we made out
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Let's paint friendship bongs
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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