my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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