I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
