ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
