just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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