He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
