dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
