I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
God, I missed his penis.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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