we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
