i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
