my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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