that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
