and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
