we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
