If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
