Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
