hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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