I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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