I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
