Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
