My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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