I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
