got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
