My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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