dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I forget how to act sober
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
