I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
