finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
