Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
