Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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