I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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