Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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