And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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